Slowly Seeing More Light

Slowly Seeing More Light

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I’ve been looking at the computer screen lately and wanting to write but not feeling up to writing…I’m going through a funk and I just haven’t felt like myself. I think I’m slowly seeing more light now.

I realize I have no desire to move to Denver so I haven’t been looking at jobs in the Denver area. I’m staying focused on the area I live in…I guess, after 8 or 9 months if I still haven’t found full time work, I’ll start applying for jobs in Denver.

A friend recently wrote this to me: “I am aware that you’ve encountered a variety of hurdles in getting situated in the right work at the right time in the right place, etc. I salute your persistence.” And I’ve been thinking lately why is life so difficult for me?? I’m tired of moving, tired of being fired, tired of being single…So I think these things BUT then I tell myself what I tell my patients at the jail: If I continue to think of all of the things that suck in my life, I’d be miserable. So I have to tell myself STOP thinking about those things and put my mind on something positive (family, friends, my health, etc.) I tell those at the jail this and then I say: “I just met you so I don’t know what will make you feel better, but you gotta put your mind on something else or you are going to drive yourself crazy.”

With therapy, I like to give clients reading material so they don’t feel all alone. At the psych hospital, for those dealing with depression, I gave out over and over again a quote from one of Jenny Lawson’s books. For those who dealt with anxiety, a quote from https://jolenemottern.com/ And now for those at the jail, I give them the following from Damien Echols:

”For those who aren’t familiar with my story, I grew up in West Memphis, Arkansas, and I was sent to death row when I was 18 years old for three counts of capital murder. I spent 18 years and 76 days on death row before we were finally able to do DNA testing that led to my eventual release in 2011.

When I first went to prison, the day that I walked onto death row, there was a man in there who became a priest in the Rinzai Zen tradition of Japanese Buddhism. Before he was executed he told me, “You can either turn your cell into a monastery and learn and grow, or you can sit in here and go stark raving nuts. You can lose your mind.” And that’s what most people did in there. Most people couldn’t hold it together long enough. There’s no momentum in prison. ..You exist in a vacuum. If you want to keep growing, learning, expanding, you have to make yourself do it. And that was what I decided to do…I was trapped in a cell 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The last 10 years I was in prison, I was in solitary confinement. I had no contact with other people. It made it very, very easy to stay focused on the meditation techniques. Even if I reached a point where I was bored, if I thought, “I don’t want to have to do this again,” it was like, “Well, what else are you going to do?”

When it comes to karma, the number one thing I would like to say is that you can go through life being a victor or a victim. You’re going to have to face your karma. You can go through life with a “poor me” attitude—“Why me? Why this?”or you can go through it saying: “I’m going to honor my life. I’m going to honor my karma. I’m going to come through this. I’m going to be stronger, I’m going to be wiser, I’m going to help spread what I learned from this situation to other people.”

So starting today, I’m stopping the “poor me” attitude and going to honor my life.

 

 

Denied unemployment =(

Denied unemployment =(

It’s been a rough couple of weeks…I’ve been feeling depressed and not like myself. Trying to focus on the moment so it doesn’t get too dark.
If I was offered a job tomorrow, I’d take it. I don’t want to be unemployed. Yet, what I have learned from previous unemployment, finding another job takes time. Even with two Masters. And shouldn’t all that money that went towards my education mean I don’t need to walk down to the neighborhood McDonald’s looking for a job?!? But part of me feels like I need to because I was denied unemployment yesterday. They denied me because I “resulted or could have resulted in serious damage to the employer’s interests.” If you need to know why I’m unemployed read this:  Things falling apart…
I can file an appeal and state why I disagree with the decision. This is still VERY stressful even knowing this. If I have a witness, I can provide his/her name and I think my coworker we be willing to testify that I texted her letting her know I accidentally sent the text to my supervisor the moment it happened. Will that help? I don’t know…
I do have an interview this coming Tuesday. I sent my resume to an agency last Monday and they called me Tuesday.
I keep telling myself I’ll get through this…trying to believe it but it’s kind of hard right now…

Gratitude for today: 1. My friend Renee who took care of my dog the last two weeks (I was “homeless.” The apartment I thought I was going to move into on the 4th or 5th told me on the 1st that it wouldn’t be ready until the 13th…fun times). 2. Blueberry muffins 3. The beautiful mountains that surround me

Power of forgiveness and other thoughts

Power of forgiveness and other thoughts

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Just watched a powerful couple minutes of journalism (a police officer falsified a report and an innocent man had to go to prison for 4 years…they eventually start working at the same place and the innocent man said he forgave him “for our sake”):

http://www.cbsnews.com/videos/crooked-cop-pairs-up-with-man-he-framed/

I’ve been thinking about what my next chapter should be…I’ll get any job to pay the bills and then in my free time, I want to find a place where I can be happy these next few years.

I’m SO tired of having crappy supervisors (not you Ruth Ann!) A friend posted this recently on Facebook and I feel like this is what I have dealt with in my last three jobs: There are some people who put you down in life, mock your dreams,and challenge your personality; they look like winners. But in actual fact,they are only voicing out their insecurities and jealousy. Do not let them pull you down. Believe and accept yourself and hold onto what you believe in.

I don’t believe in myself now which I know is sooo not good. Do I need to figure out how to work for myself so I don’t get kicked in the gut anymore?!? I loved the patients I met EVERY day while at the hospital. So do I move out of town to find another hospital to work for so I can do the same work? But that would mean I would leave the friends that I have made in the past year who have made it one of the best years of my life.  I have other questions going through this head of mine today too and no answers. I just need to give the universe time, right??

And my gratitude for today: blue skies, green grass, and french fries.

 

 

Gratitude Journal continued…

Gratitude Journal continued…

Fri-April 29, 2016

  1. Music-my soul was starting to get heavy and it was getting dark today around me…hard to breathe…then I started to listen/watch a band (Nathaniel Rateliff) at Austin City Limits online and it became a little bit lighter and easier to breathe…I’ve always loved how music makes me feel.
  2. Just found the series Happy Valley and love it. Here’s a quick synopsis: Catherine Cawood is a strong-willed police sergeant in West Yorkshire, still coming to terms with the suicide of her daughter. Someone is kidnapped, someone (well, several people actually) are hurt, and there are lots of tears. Every episode kept me wondering what would happen next.
  3. My health

Sat-April 30, 2016

  1. My friend Shannon-we went on a hike this morning
  2. I received a message (from a past supervisor) this morning telling me about the first client I had as an intern at a homeless shelter. She was the first person who I provided therapy to…She now has her own place and wants to start her own nonprofit agency. She also wants to go to law school. She looked great and was a recipient of the “Celebration of Achievement” the agency does each year… The supervisor said she remembered me fondly, and in hindsight, the shelter was just what she needed to start the next part of her journey. What’s interesting is this supervisor was actually kind of an ass…I wanted to give this client a hug at one point and kind of gave her a half hug and he told me later how important it was to keep boundaries and hugging was a big no-no.
  3. Jade’s (my dog) happy hello every time I come through the door

 

Gratitude Journal

Gratitude Journal

small crack

With my past patients who were depressed, one of my go to homework assignments was for them to start a gratitude journal. I would let them know it can be something small like the sun shinning or a good breakfast. I decided to start this for myself today and here are my three:

  1. Free beer last night-met some friends and the pitchers of beer kept coming =)
  2. Two nights ago, I met some other friends and they expressed great concern for me and stand by my side. One said that she told Cruella do Vil (old boss) she was angry with her with firing me.
  3. Rhyo (my kitty) purrs

I all ready have an interview Monday!!! Exactly what I needed to hear yesterday because I was feeling down in the dumps…the Universe will not let this kind hearted person down, right?!?!? And if I don’t get it, that will be ok, I just needed a sign…

The days are VERY long when unemployed

The days are VERY long when unemployed

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I’ve looked at the clock several times today…too many times actually. The days are VERY long when unemployed. =(

I start each morning with a walk…mother nature can be the best type of therapy.

I make sure I have plans to meet up with a friend every couple of weeks. It helps to have something to look forward to…I try to keep it cheap by meeting up for a walk or asking if I can come over to their place and play some cards. It’s important to get out of the house.

I’ve volunteered in the past when unemployed: at an elementary school; library; Habitat for Humanity. Nursing homes and animal shelters always need help. I don’t know yet where I’ll volunteer this time but this also will give me something to look forward to each week.

And now is the perfect time to find a new hobby…I started writing this blog the last time I was unemployed…

Sometimes though, just getting out of bed is a success…and trying to think positive…because negative thinking won’t get me anywhere…