One day at a time

One day at a time


What is the kindest thing a random stranger has done for you?

That is the question that was posted on a podcast I recently found. The podcast is called Beautiful Stories from Anonymous People and even though the host has no training in therapy, it’s like listening in on a therapy session.

Anyways, there is a Facebook group for listeners of this podcast and someone recently asked the above question and here is what someone posted:

“My late brother, in his orthopedic surgery residency, came upon a group of migrant workers with truck problems. He took them to a mechanic and left his credit card number to pay for repairs, then put them up in a hotel. My brother suicided a couple years later, opioid addiction after a sports injury caused a downward spiral, loss of medical license and wife. He was a beautiful person.”

Doesn’t that make your heart break and swell at the same time??

On to my life…Remember the beginning of Feb when I was writing about my suicidal thoughts due to being fired yet again. And then I sad “dear reader, if you have no hope right now…PLEASE know every problem has a solution. Every dark tunnel eventually gets light again. A horrible day, week, month, or year, will eventually end and there will be days filled with laughter.”

It IS SOTRUE! I have received many calls from prospective employers now and so I’m trying to figure out what to do next…Really, I just want a nice boss but I won’t be able to tell that during an interview…actually, I think if I ask how long their therapists have been with the company I’ll be able to tell…that sounds weird though…I need to think of way to ask this.

I was REALLY depressed but I see so MUCH light ahead…If it dark for you now, just keep going. It will get better. It will.



Suicide thoughts

Suicide thoughts

I don’t really feel like writing but I’m forcing myself too…I need to do something besides playing Spades on Facebook all day.

First I’ll say I haven’t had any intense suicide thoughts the last few days…I’m trying to focus on that this is the Universe letting me know I’m supposed to go down a different path now…I’m telling you (my friends and family…and you too reader) who read this so you don’t have to worry about me. But man, the day I was fired and the day after, I was thinking of suicide. I was thinking “Fuck this…I’m tired of this shit…” and I sobbed and sobbed. And I thought of how I would do it…and I thought of my furry babies  and who could take care of them. And I would sob some more.

I REALLY would like a place of employment where I don’t have to worry about losing my job. The more I think about this past firing, they had NO reason to fire me. It all had to do with a personality conflict with my boss which sucks. I miss that job SO much.

After the first couple of days of suicide thoughts, they disappeared. I spent the rest of last week depressed and not eating much (which is SO unlike me…I love to eat…I eat 3 meals every day). This week, I’m basically back to normal…I’m focusing on a test I need to pass.

Honestly, this is not the first time I have had suicide thoughts. This is the first time I’m writing about it though. I don’t think it’s written about enough. More people need to know they are not alone in their darkness. That it’s scary when it’s dark. And I understand why people have thoughts of wanting to give up.

Many of my patients at the jail were scared to say they were having suicide thoughts…they didn’t want to talk about it because they were scared they would be put in what they called a “turtle suit” (it is a safety gown that has no sleeves and is heavy). I told them I did the job because we need to talk about suicide…as long as they didn’t have a plan or intent on how they are going to end their life, we can continue to talk. Then, this is when I looked into someone’s eyes and see if they have any hope. I really did base on what I thought was best for a patient by how they physically presented and if they had hope. So if I asked if they have a plan or intent, and they might shake their head no but I can tell they are hopeless, they went on suicide watch. And I would tell them, you are not going to like me for doing this, but I’m worried about you and we have to put you on watch.

Back to me any my suicide thoughts. Do I have hope? Yes. I do. I have hope that I will past this test and I guess if I don’t pass…well, if I don’t pass, I’ll just have to figure out what is next.

And you, dear reader, if you have no hope right now…PLEASE know every problem has a solution. Every dark tunnel eventually gets light again. A horrible day, week, month, or year, will eventually end and there will be days filled with laughter.



And now why I was fired…I never thought I’d be a good supervisor but after having such terrible supervisors the last two places of employment, I know I could be one and be a good supervisor.

I got a new supervisor back in September. She slowly started to micromanage me. She then increased the case load of patients each day so I began to stress. About a month ago, I walked…ok stormed…out of my boss’s office cause I was tired of all this. (I just told this story to my LCSW supervisor and he said I had a right to be frustrated…so glad he saw this). We met the next week and I got written up for this and I apologized. I also agreed to see the patients that were assigned to me. Then, a couple weeks ago, we met again and this time we discussed the overtime I was now getting. It was only a couple hours a month but my boss’s boss did not want me getting any overtime. I asked if I could go to 4 10s since I had an increase in patients. They wouldn’t do that. They asked that any overtime I thought I had to do, I had to first run it by the boss’s boss. The day I was fired, I was told I was being fired because I clocked in for a half hour on a day that we had a staff meeting and I didn’t get approval for this half hour…wait…what?!?! Yeah, I came in on my day off for a staff meeting and so since I was there, I decided to complete charts from the previous day. This was NOT overtime though because I took my Friday off and I didn’t even want to use my PTO for this time off….I was only getting paid for 32 hours that week.  Anyways, that is what they started with and I knew I was getting fired so I checked out of what ever else was being said because I was so upset. I think they said there was also a complaint from a Deputy (I have no idea what the complaint was).

So I lost this job that I LOVED due to that…Since I have no kids, my job is my life. I treated every person like they were my brother or sister (ok, there were a couple that gave me the chills and who I didn’t really want to talk to because their crime was so intense). Ugh, just thinking about this makes me sad again so I’m gonna end this blog entry now….




20 years in prison

20 years in prison

I basically ignored my blog in 2017. I threw myself into work and on the weekends I spent time reading outside during my free time.

I’ve NEVER been into new year’s resolutions but this year I am…I think it’s because I started eating REALLY unhealthy, drinking a lot of alcohol, and thinking it doesn’t matter anymore.

What the heck was I thinking?!?

Of course it matters.

So one of my resolutions is to get back to this blog.

I have a client now who was in prison for about 20 years. He was released recently and was only able to make it in society for a few months before he was arrested.  He’s SO hopeless right now. I actually cried in our session this past week…that’s the first time I cried in a session. He was talking about how he has already been offered a 2-6 year sentence at prison but he is not going to take it. He said he can’t spend one more day in prison. He said that no one sent him a Christmas card. He said do you know how hard it is to have no one think of you? He does not think he can make it in this world.  He said he has no faith in our system.

I told him he can’t judge rather or not he can make it in society by the few months he spent out in this world. I said let’s change the system then.



How to be your own therapist

How to be your own therapist

#1-Self Reflect

#2-Every Problem has a Solution

#3-Talk to your doctor about an antidepressant (if needed)

#4-Ice Cream

#1-So I’ve been down in the dumps for several reasons lately. I think being single is the hardest thing I’m dealing with right now. I’ve worked on me and have self love and moved to a town I love BUT I’m still single. With all my friends married and most with kids, it’s hard to see the constant happiness posted over and over again on Facebook. Now, I know marriage isn’t easy. I have one friend who is very honest with the struggles she is having with her husband. I know another getting a divorce because her husband cheated on her. So I’ve been thinking why is being single more difficult for me lately?!? And I realize it’s because basically I’ve not had a good date in OVER two years. I’ve stopped trying in this town. I am going to give Bumble a shot cause I haven’t been on that yet but I think this town is too small for a 40+ single woman.

#2-So, then I began thinking, if I don’t have a good date in the next 6 months, I could move. And if I move (and I know the town I want to try next) and then find someone in the next couple of years, I’ll have the rest of my 40’s, all of my 50s, 60s, and hopefully 70s and some 80s and THAT’S A LOT of time to be with someone. So just thinking about that has put me in a better mood.

#3-I’ve been on the same antidepressant for the past couple of years and it’s time for a change.

#4-You can never go wrong with ice cream.



Earlier today I was struggling big time and crying and wondering when is it gonna get better. I still don’t know when it’s gonna get better. But what I did do is I went to see what Jenny Lawson is up to…If you don’t know her she goes by The Bloggess and is SO honest about depression. I was reading her tweets cause I haven’t read them in a very long time and saw one that said:

Remember that depression lies. Get help. Celebrate each day you get through. Remember that this will pass. You’re not alone.
In a funk

In a funk


Overall, since the last time I wrote, life has been good. I still enjoy working as a therapist at the jail. Yet, I noticed a few weeks ago, I didn’t feel like myself.

It started with me getting back on a dating site and I heard from a guy but I didn’t pursue it. I told him I was going out of town (which was true) and I’d contact him when I got back. I went to a music festival and had one of the BEST times of my life. I went by myself but met someone new each day so I had no worries about being alone.

I got back and had NO desire to contact the guy…he was decent looking. I think maybe why I didn’t pursue it was because he didn’t “wow” me with anything…it was a basic “how are ya” message.

Then, on Facebook, a couple of friends hung out without inviting me. I feel so middle schooler saying this but it hurt a little to see I didn’t get an invite. So I deleted my facebook profile and I am just trying to focus on me and the blessings I do have in life.

But see, here’s the craziest thing about depression: no matter how much someone has, a dark cloud can still follow him/her everywhere. It feels like just breathing can be difficult. Smiling seems fake and forced. With the suicide of Linkin Park’s lead singer (a band I never listened to but just spent the last couple of hours listening to them), it’s just SO sad…

I have had to do A LOT of POSITIVE self talk these past couple of weeks and remind myself there are still MANY good times ahead to have…Hopefully, I will find that someone I can spend my evenings with so I’m not alone most nights….And until then, what am I going to do??? Breathe….one moment at a time.


Meaning of Life

Meaning of Life


I was just trying to read and my mind kept going back to the patients I had this past week so I know I need to write. Writing is so therapeutic for me.

A patient who is still waiting to see how much prison time she is going to serve said if she has to spend more than 10 years in prison, she is going to commit suicide. I asked if she had family and she said her sister is her best friend. I said she could still love her sister while in prison. I asked why would she want to end her life because I bet it would devastate her family.  She shrugged and said “I’d just be taking up space.” I’m scared she is determined to end her life depending on her sentencing. And you know what’s really sad, I could hear some republicans say: “good for her…we don’t need to be wasting our tax dollars on her.”  I just bought Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning and I hope this will help give me some direction on where I can take my next therapy session with this patient.

Another patient I had knows she is going to serve 10 years in prison. She had children and her parental rights were terminated last year.  She talked about not knowing what to do now in life. We first talked about rather or not her children will come find her once they are 18. I believe most children have a curiosity on who their birth parents are and do go looking for them. This patient said: “Well if they did, what purpose would I have in their life?” I talked about how in our 20s it is all about discovering  the world and she could help guide them and let them learn from her mistakes. She then talked about if she succeeded in making changes to improve her life and became stable, wouldn’t her children be angry with her and ask why she couldn’t do it for them. Of if she stayed on the same path and continued to use drugs, would her children say: “You STILL haven’t changed?!?!?” I said it is important to change and allow your children to know that at any given time, we do have the capability to change.

The last patient I wanted to mention is someone I didn’t sit down and talk to but I was asked to check in with him. He was a 20 something year old male and had only spent a couple days in jail and was getting released. I asked what his plan was and he said he didn’t know. He said he would rather stay in jail because he would have a bed to sleep on and food to eat. This just broke my heart to hear…can you imagine being so hopeless you would rather stay in a jail?!?! I asked if he had tried the homeless shelters out and he said no because his goal is to not have to stay in one. I said there is nothing wrong in staying in a homeless shelter and it sounds like that is what you need to do for now. A Deputy said he talked to him earlier and the patient said he never had a mom and his dad was in prison.  As I was leaving, I saw the same Deputy talking to him and I bet you anything the Deputy was giving him some advice. I wish I was a fly on the wall and could have heard that conversation.