Last week, some friends were getting together but I was in a horrible, shitty, depressed mood. I was also heartbroken. The job that I loved and looked forward to going to every day was taken from me. I started sobbing.
“You coming tonight?! I want to see you!” A text pops up from my friend Francis. A few minutes later another text, this time from my friend Shannon: “Everything ok? You still coming?”
I wasn’t going. I had no desire to leave my apartment.
But then on Friday, I get the call: The jail wants to hire me as a PRN therapist. My new boss told me that she wanted to hire me for the full time position but since I don’t have my license yet, the higher ups said I could only be hired for the PRN position. And with that, I see a little light. And as much as I loved my last job, I have always been drawn to other populations I have worked with (children, developmentally disabled, seniors) so I am sure it will also happen with this job. Everyone deserves to be listened to…I’ve said that for years and years and I am glad I will be able to be that person for those in jail.
So as cheesy as it sounds, DO NOT give up. It will get better. Just be patient.
I’ll close with two quotes from books I’ve read this past week that I felt was written just for me:
“There was some relief at surviving what you might have thought was not survivable. No one would ever choose to have cancer or to be raped but you don’t get to choose. It is possible at least to understand what Ernest Becker meant when he said something like ‘To live fully is to live with an awareness of the rumble of terror that underlies everything.'” From the book About Alice by Calvin Trillin.
(And of course, I’m not comparing what I’ve been through to cancer or rape…I just loved this thought)
“Without the pain there is no relief. And I remind myself that I’m lucky to be able to feel such great sorrow, and also such great happiness. I can grab on to each moment of joy and live in those moments because I have seen the bright contrast from dark to light and back again. I am privileged to be able to recognize that the sound of laughter is a blessing and a song, and to realize that the bright hours spent with my family and friends are extraordinary treasures to be saved, because those same moments are a medicine, a balm. Those moments are a promise that life is worth fighting for, and that promise is what pulls me through when depression distorts reality and tried to convince me otherwise.” From Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson