What do I tell you about JW?? JW and I dated on and off for five years and it was definitely a complicated relationship. I met him on my birthday in 2005 when Dark Star Orchestra was playing at a bar called Cervantes’. At the end of the night, we started talking and exchanged phone numbers.

One of our early dates was going to a park and watching the stars-just a perfect way to spend the evening. Spent another early date on a hike-we would go on many, many hikes in the next five years (in the dark, in the rain, in the snow…all over Colorado). He was the first one I went camping with and he taught me how to build a fire. I was attracted to him and fell in love with him early on because he taught me so much about life.

I have pages and pages about him in my journal. Here are a few entries to get a feel of our rocky relationship

Feb 17, 2006: JW confused me so much…I was happy with what we had and I thought it was unique….he won’t forgive me. Fine. No one is perfect. I’m ready to move on. I gave so much of myself to him and obviously we are just not meant to be together. He knew I loved him. He knew. It meant nothing to him.

April 16, 06: I hung out with JW last night. As soon as I walked into his apartment I knew everything was going to be ok. And it was…We talked and talked about so much last night…

March 6, 07: JW is going to try to quit smoking and I really am happy for him-it just makes me wish even more we could be together. But why do I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me?? That’s just not logical…

April 18, 07: JW called me last night and wanted to know if I wanted to come over…

After being together for so long, we knew everything about each other and so he became my best friend. And I think that is why it got harder to let go after a few years. He definitely had issues (but I guess we all do, don’t we) and I don’t want to go into specific details because that’s not the person I am…But I will tell you why it finally ended when it ended. He was becoming more and more negative…he complained that he hated his life but would do nothing to change his circumstances. He took all his frustrations out on me like he had done so many times before but I couldn’t take it anymore, I couldn’t be his punching bag anymore.

JW has continued to text me off and on the past four years. We had tried to be friends and he still ended up hurting me. I hadn’t met up with him until just a couple of months ago. He drove up to see me in the little town where I live and we had lunch. Physically, he’s gained weight and hasn’t been taking care of himself. Mentally, he kind of still is in the same place he was 4 years ago. Sadly, not much has changed for him.

He sent me this text after our lunch:

“I loved loved loved seeing you today. I can’t believe I saw you. It was like a miracle. I am so happy. I love you so much. Thank you for seeing me today. Love you. Love you. Love you.”

Me: “PLEASE think of me as a friend.”

Him: “You looked amazing today.”

I was curious if he had made choices to better himself and he hasn’t and so it’s not going to go anywhere. He wanted to come up and see me again but I told him I didn’t think it was a good idea…So that’s JW.


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