Chris was my first serious boyfriend. I never dated in high school and didn’t really date in college either (had TONS of fun with my friends though).

Chris and I met because I used to live in this house/shack with a couple of guys in the city. After I moved out of the shack, Chris moved in and I went over to say hello to the guys and met Chris. Shortly after, I saw Chris downtown while I was working as a Counselor for the developmentally disabled. George was one of my clients and about every fifteen minutes, he would ask what time it was. George also liked to kiss strangers. So George kissed Chris and Chris didn’t freak out. On New Year’s Eve (Dec. 31, 1998), we were at a party and Chris kissed me.

We dated off and on for a year and a half and then I moved out to Emporia, KS to get my Masters in Library Science. Our relationship grew stronger when I was first moved to Emporia because we were emailing each other every day and I felt so close to him even though I was far away. But then I met someone and asked Chris if he would be ok if I went on a date with him. I just looked at my old emails and found this from him:

“I couldn’t sleep. I woke up at 4 and couldn’t stop thinking about us. It hurts…. I can’t get it out of my mind. I feel a great conflict within myself. Remember when you said a couple days back that you weren’t ready to date but that you would be ‘ok’ if I was with someone else (or at least, you said that you could picture me with someone else with not much problem). I, of course said that I wasn’t ready to feel that way about you. Who would have known the situation would come up so soon. Ok here it is: We have/had a relationship that is flawed. But I love you. I am afraid that I let you go (ie. dating in Emporia) that I will lose you. That’s the feeling of insecurity that I have. I swear as I write this, tears are streaming down my face. Why couldn’t I feel or express this sense of desire when you were here? Maybe it’s like the saying “You don’t truly appreciate someone until they’re gone.” I don’t know how to go from here. I am really confused and hurt and I miss you. Love, Chris.”

So I did end up going on a date with a new guy in Emporia but there really was no connection. When I decided I wanted to move back to the city from Emporia, I  asked Chris if I could move in with him and he said yes. A few days later, he changed his mind and said no. I eventually became ok with the fact that he didn’t want to live with me and we dated for a few more months. But then we had a huge fight and never officially became a couple again. I don’t think I ever was in love with Chris. I enjoyed his company most of the time (sometimes he could just talk on and on) and he had a good heart.



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