I’m depressed. It’s so hard to even write that. Saying it aloud is even harder. I’ve been in the mental health field for the past two years and it’s hard to admit. Why? Why is it so hard to admit? I think a big part is judgement…I know my friends and family are not the judgment type but there’s the thought that they might be thinking: “Your life isn’t that bad, chin up.” But I need to take the advice I gave probably a thousand people which is I can’t compare my life to anyone else. There is nothing wrong with what I’m feeling and admitting that makes me feel better. I know having my health is a blessing. That is a HUGE blessing and I do not take that for granted. I know of others who are dealing with health issues and they are too young to have to worry about rather or not they are going to live or die. Too young. I know of others who lost their life too soon. WAY too soon. I know if I really needed to, I could move in with someone and I’d never be on the streets (and not everyone could say this).
But being fired twice has just broken my spirit. And when I got fired the second time a close friend told me I should write a book. I’ve always kept a journal but decided to try a blog…The main reason is so I can prove to my nieces and nephews (well, only one nephew is old enough to read this if he chooses to…lol) that life is going to throw you curve balls and not everything is going to go as planned. That life Is truly like a roller coaster ride with ups and downs. But what is important is to ask for help. To not pretend everything is ok when it isn’t. And they can get through hard, difficult times just like I will.
When I was at a library gathering a few weeks ago and I was asked how I was doing, I couldn’t open up to one person that I was depressed. And that’s not right. I had to look away and hold myself together. When I was driving home, I started crying and I told myself I didn’t want to pretend anymore that “everythings ok.” And I had dinner a week later with a friend and that time I was able to admit I have been depressed. It felt SO good to be honest.
So I begin again trying to put the pieces together. And I can do this.